When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The uberlube is also flammable
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
