oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Houston, we have a blender
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
