You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
