When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
being pregnant is like rehab
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
