she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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