this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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