Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
there is glitter all over my balls
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
