It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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