My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
