this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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