i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize