youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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