It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
