don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
