can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
