I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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