im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
