i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize