AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
