Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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