When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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