Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
