She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
