you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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