Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
