Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
