i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
