proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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