ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
