I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
