I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
