I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
