He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
