Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
