I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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