my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
