He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
