My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
