I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
