You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
