I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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