Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
