y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
