If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
