My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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