so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
