I met the friendliest cop last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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