I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You need Xanax blowdarts
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
