my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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