so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
