I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
