Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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