The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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