you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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