we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
