can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
