He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
