Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
