Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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