gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
