the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
