I puked a lego.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
