Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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